Okay, okay, I know, this movie is as old as I am and I hadn't seen it yet. How could I call myself a baseball fan? Why hadn't I watched this movie? Oh god oh god what is wrong with me as a human I should just lock myself in a closet and never eat again, right?
To answer these and other soul-searching questions I finally locked the door, turned off the lights, and settled in with as much beer-impersonating drinks and cracker jacks as I could stomach to watch what one reviewer calls "the perfect balance of entertainment and genius!" Not so fast, hotshot; would this movie really live up to the overwhelming hype?
The answer is: well, sort of. The plot revolves around the Durham Bulls, who at the time were the High-A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves (currently AAA affiliate of the Tampa Bay Rays). The Bulls have a young, hotshot pitcher, "Nuke" Laloosh, with a "million dollar arm and a five cent head," so the team signs journeyman catcher Crash Davis to mentor him and make him big-league ready. Meanwhile, Annie Savoy is a fan who every season takes one player from the team under her wing, mentors him, and has tons of sex with him, ostensibly to help the team. These three end up in a kind of love triangle, and wacky hijinks ensue.
The movie was cute, and had a lot of great one-liners about the game, but when I watch baseball movies, I like them to be about...well, baseball, and not devolve into a romantic comedy which is essentially what happened here. But that's really personal preference and neither here nor there, so on to my actual criticisms.
Susan Sarandon's character, Annie, was incredibly confusing as I kept alternating between "Damn, I want to BE this chick" and "Really? REALLY?" I guess my main complaint is that although she attends the games faithfully (like me), keeps score (like me), exhorts the players to do well from the stands (like me), and knows enough about the game to pass on advice that is actually helpful in the guys performing better (hopefully like me?), she is only listened to because she has sex with the players (NOT like me). If the lady knows that much about baseball, don't you think you should assume her opinions have some merit not just because she is bangin' your lights out after every game? Of course as the movie progresses she just becomes crazy because Laloosh won't sleep with her, afraid it will affect his winning streak, and because LADIES BE CRAZY AND RULED BY HORMONES AM I RIGHT FELLAS? She does have a couple really nice feminist-type moments though, and she and I had a minute together when she flips out on Laloosh for calling her cute. "Cute? Baby ducks are cute!" (Seriously, guys and girls. Be able to come up with a better compliment than telling someone they're "cute").
Meanwhile, remember how there are minority players in baseball? Don't worry if you forgot, so did the movie makers! The single African-American player doesn't have a single line to my recollection. The Latino player, Jose, fairs better in this department. He has quite a few lines, and they all have to do with voodoo! Because Latin-American players be all crazy and superstitious, right fellas? Guys, I get that the movie is about three white people but trying to ensure a realistic racial distribution on the team shouldn't really be that difficult.
On a baseball note, a minor plot point is that Crash is going to break the minor-league home run record this season and implores Annie not to tell anyone because he's embarrassed by it. When he does "there wasn't a single mention of it in the Sporting News." Wait, what? Are you telling me the all-time minor league home run record isn't being tracked by anyone? And yes, I know this is set in 1987 and statistics weren't as big a deal or computerized like they are now, but you want me to believe the only person who figures out a statistic as major as ALL TIME HOME RUN RECORD is some chick who's a fan of the minor league team the player is on, and Sporting News/AP/Sports Illustrated has NO IDEA that this record is about to be broken? OKAY. This movie does, however, pass the newly established Osmer test, which is: Does a movie about baseball/featuring baseball as a major portion of the plot feature a montage or transition using a song specifically about baseball (i.e. Take Me Out To The Ballgame or Centerfield)? CHECK.
I guess my biggest beef with this movie is just that the resolution seems rushed and a little forced. Laloosh is called up to the major leagues (from High-A?) and just vanishes from the movie. Annie later says "I didn't have to worry about him anymore." The end of the character? Except for one shot of him acting stupid in an interview, yep! Did you run out of film or something? It just seemed like the filmmakers couldn't really think of a great way to end the movie so they stuck in a couple strange plot points at the end and said DONE WHO'S BUYING THE ROUNDS?
It was a cute movie, the acting was great (and I mean, anyone can spend a couple hours staring at Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins and come away alright) and had a few astute observations about the game, but let's face it, this is really a romantic comedy disguised as a baseball film, which helps explain its universal appeal but was a disappointment for me. Perhaps the smartest point in the movie is made about twenty minutes in, when Crash says "I believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter." As a fellow worshiper at the church of baseball, Amen.
Final Score: Single
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